Joinsupermoms

Considering how easily affected we are by the people around us, I would start by decluttering my friendzone. That’s easier said than done.

Friendships take years to develop and maintain. Friends keep our company, provide support and valuable protection when we need it – or so we would hope.

Over the years, I’ve taken stock of life’s experiences and my reactions to them, looked back and, of myriads of friends, have found the need to relegate a few or leave them in the acquaintance zone.

After a conducting what I call a Friend Audit, below are five friend types I would relegate or avoid and 5 friend types I’d rather replace them with.

I think about why they are so attractive, and if they don’t pass the friend audit, I relegate or replace them.

People who think I’m a superstar.

Why they are so attractive: They are full of praise and admiration for me. They applaud my success before I even explain how I achieved it. With them, I have no weakness.  I am like Wonderwoman on steroids.

The problem: They fail to empathise when I am going through a rough patch. They reassure me that I’ll be okay. Rather than offer practical help, they remind me that I am an amazing person with amazing abilities. I always have the right solutions.

Their willingness to grant a carte blanche to my success leaves me ignorant or dismissive of the ethics behind my actions. So, I seldom question my personal values.

When I ask for help, they conclude I must just be having a brief moment of confusion. When I want to cry, they try to make me shrug it off. I’ve been through much worse, I shouldn’t let this get me down, they say.

They share their problems with me and expect solutions but are not fazed by mine. They are even less interested in proffering a way forward.

If they’re listening to me, it’s to get inspiration from my happy ending. I always have a happy ending. If it didn’t end happy, it will in due time. It’s me, the superstar.

The pros: These friends have forced me to rely on myself, to tough out difficult situations and be brave beyond my imagination.

I imagine myself as this invincible persona they project onto me, and I charge on like a superhero.

If I get burned, like my own little superhero, I get up, wipe my tears, treat my bruises and keep charging.

The cons: Constant self-reliance and toughness have eroded my empathy and kindness. I don’t see why others shouldn’t independently experience and survive the difficulties I have and even worse.

I am in dumbfounding shock when someone shows me empathy or kindness, I am almost paranoid, finding a reason to suspect some ulterior motive.

They are emotionally draining because while I proffer solutions for them, I must find my own and maintain a strong front. I can’t be depressed around them, for I am a superstar.

Trouble is, I’m not.

Friend Audit: Begin by being more attentive to people who want to offer more help and less praise.

When they offer their praise, they should be willing to know how you attained success and validate or chastise you.

If you’ve been a superstar all this time, their help might make you feel weaker or more vulnerable but take that as an opportunity to learn to be humble. We all need a hand sometimes.

The right friends remind you quite often that you’re not a superstar, that no human is and that you should feel free to weep, hurt and take all the time you need to recover – they will be there to help where they can.

They give you real life examples of people who went through less or sometimes more than what you have experienced but remind you that if you work through practical steps, you can break through.

When they validate you, they constantly remind you of how you found your success.

People who sponge off me with no intention to give back.

Why they are so attractive: They feel like great company, they want to know all about me and are around me all the time, complimenting me and agreeing to my every whim.

The Problem: They minimise themselves and their own ideas. They never thought up an idea until I said it. How do I come up with these amazing ideas?

They are great copycats too. I am flattered by their imitation, but they are quick to let me know I do it better.

They learn me so well they even start to finish my sentences, mimic the way I speak, follow my lifestyle rituals – even when it gives them allergies.

For them, I am intelligent and creative. They’re constantly waiting on me for the next bright idea, then they run with it.

They eventually forget that it was my idea or that I was the one who said something they now repeat or gave them a stage to stand on.

But I now live off their validation, so I stop dishing out ideas so they can beg for more. Then they get upset when I stop giving.

The pros: I feel like ‘Steve Einstein’. I invented everything and its next cousin.

This boosts my self-confidence and feel like an authority figure around them.

The cons: I feed on my friend’s validation. I stopped learning because my friend says and makes me feel like I know it all. I do not feel challenged to upskill.

Similar to the friend who takes me for a superstar, this friend takes me for an encyclopaedia.

Friend Audit: Don’t be a local champion. Elevate your circle to people who work or play within your likes at a higher level.

Basically, people who do what you do, but better. People who love what you love, but more extensively.

If they’re not within your reach, look online, read, learn and upskill where possible.

When friends validate you, question your assumptions or cite a reliable source you read, saw or even heard and check that your source is still valid.

If you find that your source is out of date, correct yourself by informing your friends.

People who judge me and my intentions.

Why they are so attractive: I don’t have to explain myself. They seem to understand so much of me. They offer me the perks that come with my uniqueness; since, happily, I’m exotic.

The Problem: If A + B = C, then C must be equal to A + B. There is no question.

Therefore, if I was born in Taiwan, raised in Angola and speak fluent Arabic and Portuguese, I cannot be Norwegian. I certainly haven’t tasted Senegalese Tchep and can definitely not make a good lasagna.

I must be offering to make you a lasagna to seduce you or to distract you from an impending disaster. It can’t just be my favorite meal.

And oh! I must definitely speak Madarin. Didn’t I say I was born in Taiwan?

The pros: I’m different, so I must be special and interesting each time. Sometimes this friend treats me like the trophy and I’m easily the centre of attention.

The cons: You think you’re something of an alien, like you dropped out of space.

You’re worried there might be something wrong with you and rather than embrace your uniqueness and share your experiences, you shy away in insecurities.

These friends force you into their mold, limiting you to the vision and the presumptions they have of you. Everything you do is different, interesting or bizarre.

But that’s why they love you. They have a nickname for you that confirms their prejudice.

On the flip side, you may think you’re special. A superiority complex overwhelms you and you are well in the makings of a downright obnoxious person.

Worse still, you might be a gorgeous damsel. You don’t even look like a mom. Whiat does that mean, you think. Doesn’t matter. The world is here to lick your feet.

Friend Audit: Reach out to people with a certain exposure or willingness to expand their horizon.

Many of such may be artists, book lovers, trainers, travellers, innovators or volunteers. They are not afraid to learn and they are read enough not to ask inappropriate questions or make the wrong assumptions.

You might even find more eclectic profiles than yours among them. You may find them in book clubs, sports clubs, tech events or even the next city tour.

Try to learn something from them each time you engage with them, and share your thoughts and insights in return.

People who are intimidated by me.

Why they are so attractive: They are down-to-earth and easy to relate with. They take a keen interest in me and even to share insights and passions. We often share a symbiotic relationship.

The Problem: As the extreme opposite of friends who take me for a superstar, these friends are sometimes dismissive. Rather than share in the joy of my achievements and encourage me to aim higher, they let envy get the better of them.

Sometimes they keep great discoveries and ideas to themselves because they are afraid I might go with it and excel, or they could lose me. And, they generally need me for something.

The pros: This trait can be very passive and you might not even notice it.

The cons: The relationship can be emotionally damaging. Tt thrives in a romantic relationship where the intimated partner could use emotional blackmail or financial gains to hold the other down.

Friend Audit: Have a conversation with your friend. Help them understand you care about them deeply and are not in competition.

Give examples of valuable lessons you have learned from them and instances they helped you grow or overcome a difficulty.

Talk about the discoveries you have made thanks to them and how your achievements contribute your joint success.

Your friend should want to see you succeed and achieve your goals.

Eventually, as you give them time to feel your care, they will gain better trust in themselves and in you.

People who think my life is going perfectly, so I should arrange theirs

Why they are so attractive: These friends make me feel like their messiah. What would they do without me? They couldn’t exist.

This makes me feel special, especially when there is a reward to look forward to.

The Problem: You’re both adults. You both have to be independently responsible for your actions but this friend forces you to determine the direction of theirs.

Sometimes you’ll need some support, but your friend cannot be there because they are wired to believe you are the fixer.

Friend Audit: Begin by respecting your friend as an adult.

Turn down non-emergency related requests for assistance but suggest ways your friend may get the logistics they need.

Systematically offer alternatives to yourself for logistical or financial assistance.

Your friend should start to feel more independent and efficient.

These traits are often crosscutting, and you may have noticed one or several in one of your friends. 

Try to salvage your friendships by paying attention to these red flags.

Talk to friends about ways to bring out the best in each other.

If you have tried more than very often and there seems to be no improvement, perhaps it’s time to take a break and try a friendship revamp. It may be hard, but it is truly rewarding.

Reducing the clutter often leaves a room looking more spacious and you want to fill that space with the practical but lean objects that serve a beneficial purpose.

I like a yoga mat, and an air cleansing plant. You can work out, stretch or just lay flat on your back to reflect on the sweet little things of life and where you’d like your friends to take you.

Make friends who make you as secure and comfortable as a yoga mat and are as soul cleansing as a plant.

Remember, a friendship is a two-way street, so also reflect on what value you can add to the relationship.

In the end, every relationship is give and take, and we all must make some sacrifices, but ensure that as you give, you’re not being shortchanged to your detriment.