Joinsupermoms

“If someone is inconsiderate or rude to you, risk telling them how it made you feel or that you didn’t appreciate being treated that way.

If you tend to talk yourself out of anger by telling yourself that you don’t want to make waves, try telling yourself instead that it is okay to make waves sometimes and risk letting people know how you really feel.”

Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop being Manipulated and Abused and Start Standing Up for Yourself

Supermoming can be rewarding, true. But it can also be uncertain and exhausting. Sometimes, navigating the emotions and logistics of raising and loving a child can leave you unsure of yourself, insecure or even afraid.

Children can see that. They can push you to your limits knowing that something about you is insecure and you eventually cave in.

It’s not that they mean to oppress you. It’s just that children love to have their way and they quickly learn which of your buttons to press to get there.

Some kids can be more subtle than others. Whatever the case,
perhaps you’ve stopped trying to speak up even when you should because of this pushback. Perhaps you have stopped being assertive.

Fear of failure, of falling below expectations or fear of being misunderstood – even hated by your child – may be holding you back from speak up or speaking assertively when the need arises.

If your communication is unclear or even weak, lacking assertion, it could become a problem.

Your lack of assertion could even extend to the workplace basically leaving you unheard or ignored.

Start by recognising that there is a problem and decide to do something about it.

Understand that you have a responsibility to raise a balanced adult and that by virtue of your age and experience, you have valuable lessons to share.

Your children will respect you more when you speak with confidence, and they see the value of your ideas and experiences in their lives.

Begin by trying the next 5 communication styles when you speak to your kids.

Express your vulnerability. Talk about your needs and wants. Talk about what is acceptable to you and what is not. Basically, speak up for yourself. You have a duty to yourself to not betray your own needs, to be organic and for your needs to be recognized.

Do not hold back. As you do this more often, you validate yourself.

Speak with confidence. Maintain eye contact. Speak factually and loudly enough to be heard without yelling and not in an abrasive tone. It’s easier to talk over you or when you speak in a low tone. Sometimes, your child may genuinely not even hear you.

Be clear and straightforward. Do not be ambiguous, and don’t beat about the bush. Before you speak, think of how to be as direct and honest as you can be.

It might help to write things down before you say them. This helps to organise and plan to say what you mean. Don’t worry, as you do this more often, it will come more naturally and you may find yourself writing less.

Particularly if something sensitive needs to be said or you need to lay out instructions in a specific way, thinking or writing before you speak, could help.

Say things as you mean them without being cruel or insensitive. Do not insult your child, but be direct, constructive and firm.

Instil discipline by laying down clear boundaries and rules. With children, it’s always best to explain the rationale behind your limits and be consistent with what is acceptable and what is not.

Let kids know how far you are willing to bend over and what you are willing negotiate. But also know yourself enough to know what is non-negotiable and what you would not accept. Then communicate this.

For example, set boundaries with a child who is constantly interrupting or one who expects constant supplies, privileges and attention but is unwilling to follow basic house rules.

Reinforce your boundaries by rewarding a child when they respect your limits.

Finally, remember to practice self-care. You cannot give what you do not have. Take time to know what makes you happy, what gives you peace and pursue activities that help you find it. Take care of your emotions and physical wellbeing.

Assertive communication is a life-long skill, and you will find yourself needing to adjust your style as your children mature and develop greater independence.

Don’t be afraid to show your vulnerable side, learn from mistakes and start over with a fresh conversation. While you prioritise self-care, always be clear, maintaining your boundaries and speaking with confidence.