Perhaps one of my greatest gifts is my lack of emotional inhibition around the alpha male. But nothing prepares you for when an alpha presents you his vulnerable side.
“I was raped”, he said, “she raped me. And I cried afterwards”. It was a small booth of two male colleagues – one serial divorcee, another sworn happily married for life, and me – the outlandish female, single mom, one-woman riot squad.
I thought how brave he was, but he wasn’t about being brave. He kept speaking because he had a lesson to share with us that day.
It wasn’t the rape. He had moved on from that. Today he wanted to counter a misconception around the masculine identity. And because he was often portrayed as the stellar male – albeit a single dad – it was important that he put this out there. Men have feelings too. Men will fight for their kids too. An abused man will not be silenced without a fight. It all begins with a plan.
I’m sharing 5 lessons our conversation taught me on how to upend the negative single parent stereotype.
Embrace Your Wound
I love people who only rehash a wound for SMART reasons. They use their scars strategically: as motivation towards attaining a specific goal, as proof of innocence, as support to build others and as entitlement to gaining a right.
After the tears, came the strategic and financial plan. He had just been raped by an influential woman alone in her hotel room. The risk of immediately crying rape would outweigh the benefits. Holding a grudge or continually bleeding from the trauma could mean lifelong addictions or mental health or personality issues.
For now, the best form of revenge would be success. I’ve created a strategic and financial plan that you can download here. If you want to grow from your trauma, first you must embrace it. Accept that this has happened and analyse your options. Set new goals, pen them down using the strategic and financial plan and follow through.
If you’re alive you can thrive and be content with what best you can make of life.
Talk About it
It doesn’t have to be immediately after the event. In fact, it may be best to collect and save some proof if your end goal is to escalate this. Depending on what happened and how, it might actually help to hold back talking about it until you are sure of how you want the information treated.
It doesn’t have to be on social media or in court. A few intimate friends or even mutual friends would suffice. Again, your objective should be how you want the information treated and how sharing would make you feel. That determines who you talk to and when.
I admire when positive survivors become change champions without the bitterness. Somehow, they maintain objectivity and be positive and after scanning their options, can trust the right people. Ignore the haters, jesters or gas lighters. Surviving positive means ridding yourself of an emotional burden and getting the right support. It starts with talking.
Talking gets you to practice the best responses.
Be a Positive Influencer
I love to be around people who have defied the odds, fought through their trauma and come out happy, their lives, seemingly disconnected from their trauma. But in reality, their lives are very connected to their trauma. They support other people dealing with trauma.
They are some of the most humble people you will ever meet. Their trauma may not be written on their faces, and they redirect their lessons into helping others.
Though there is lots to blame, they don’t blame anything or anyone for their circumstances. They just keep the focus on being a positive influence. Their goal is, I don’t want to leave this space without changing a life for the better. It could be something I say, a new knowledge I share, something I do or give. Anything.
Draw up a list of things that make you happy. Write down the list of opportunities and resources you have and try to link them to generating more happiness.
Then, share your experience and help others in a subtle, creative manner.
Because no one is perfect and we could all be bitter if we chose to, chose not to be the angry activist. Be the MrBeast, rather than the Riposte Alimentaire.
To understand that everyone is dealing with something. Healing, coping, succeeding sometimes means giving back rather than making worse.
Invest in Your child
We were raped. We were colonized. We were betrayed. But it’s the bitter ones that remain aggressive, unloved and make up the negative statistics.
The first target of your positive influence should be your child. And I think, every supermom should ultimately target their child’s wellbeing. Because anger only spreads bitterness, teach your child not to blame, not to hate but to focus on developing self. How?
Don’t talk ill of the bad person, but rather the bad act, its impact, consequences and why it must never be encouraged. It’s a work in progress, and it could take years to master. But we can survive positive and reverse the negative statistics
Some Men are Silent Victims
Child sexual abuse and domestic violence against men are more commonplace than we let on. No thanks to trying to uphold cultural and gender assignments, guys are more likely to repress their hurt and insecurities. A guy would most likely present a tough or cold attitude to avoid being labelled emotional. Sometimes the alpha “narcissist” or “misogynist” is actually presenting mental symptoms of child or other abuse and really needs help.
If you’ve suffered abuse, understand that you’re not alone. Abuse is a form of trauma you can’t really hide. Most people will tell the signs from your behaviour, and you should seek healing. You don’t have to pretend to be okay. What’s the point of walking on a broken leg if we can see the leg is broken and you’re only making it worse?
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