Joinsupermoms

If you could have something named after you, what would it be?

If you’re a happy single parent who is fit, fun and independent, you might find this quest interesting. I am searching for the “ist”, “ic” or syndrome that describes the averseness some people have to the uniqueness of personalities that exist within every culture.

It’s important to identify and define this aversion so we can begin to call it out louder. Uniqueness inspires innovation and creativity. And those averse to it discourage the healthy engagement within which it thrives.

So, I encourage ways to be unique within your own culture. Particularly cultures that say we can’t create, invent, build or be happy because we are single parents.

Unfortunately, my name doesn’t encompass the uniqueness of personalities within a culture. It doesn’t even speak to my personality. So, if I could have something named, it wouldn’t be after me.

I think we’ve done an excellent job of defining various sexual orientations and recognizing within a society people who either attract romantically to persons of the opposite sex or persons of the same sex or who don’t even attract sexually or singularly to any gender at all. Some people are perhaps even still questioning or experimenting their attractions.

I think we should begin to recognize and even define unique personalities within a culture. Within a community there are persons who identify with a different worldview and lifestyle, even different languages and values from the traditional values and orientations of their culture. What is “native” to them might be foreign to their community.

I think it’s important not to assume that everyone agrees with the predominant culture and values.

The Value of a Name

We have tried to define diversity. I would really rather like to have something that defines the aversion to it. And don’t tell me discrimination. This is something more subtle, yet deeply hurtful. Besides, subtle discrimination is socially acceptable. It shouldn’t be.

There’s power in a definition. The more you define, the more an idea becomes understood. Right now, there’s a lot of confusion around what discrimination is and what it should be.

We’ve done an excellent job of defining simple sexual orientations. We can understand the basic varieties and now people can begin to talk about their sexuality and dismantle misconceptions.

I’d like to do something similar with averseness.

Give Room for Me

Life is like a pair of shoes. You never know where they will take you, and no feet have the same fit. You just wear your shoes, go where life takes you. When you return, you might be a very different person. You may be unique within your own culture.

I remember walking into a worship centre the first time and introducing myself as ‘Togolese’. Well, my sneakers had taken me there at some point, and I was feeling quite like one.

Everyone was overjoyed to introduce me to the ‘Togolese’ sister in the congregation. She quickly corrected that she’s in fact French, born and raised in France and never stepped foot in Togo. Her mom, however, was Togolese.

I told her I understand. I said, I have an American accent, but I’ve never been to America. And when I tell people my nationality, they ask, “are you sure”? I say, “no hold on, let me check my passport again”.

We both laughed it off, but deep inside, there was a deeper question tugging: Do you see me? Everyone who sees me and people like me is a personal hero. And make no mistake of it, we see you too.

What about people who want to carve out their own culture and lifestyle? Is it okay to pick and choose and just be yourself?

When you live in a culture where tradition defines the norms and standards of what is acceptable and what is not, it can be suffocating. Suffocating, not because you have a problem with tradition, but because the traditions impose on you – a square peg – its round hole.

Less Sex more Talk

These days everyone seems to be having so much sex and debating sexual orientation. We’re not really talking about what really motivates our actions.

Going beyond sex let’s talk about why culture imposes, how we treat those deemed as cultural “misfits” and begin to dismantle assumptions.

For example, I do think it’s unfair for someone to assume that you should sound a certain way because they associate you with a given culture. You don’t have to sound African or Hispanic or Nigerian or Chinese or Asian. Whatever that is. Because indeed, within those groupings, people sound different.

I think imposing a sound tag or any tag on a person completely ignores the fact that people are raised in different places. A person deserves their identity as an individual who was raised in whatever place. No one should get to judge you by who they think you should be.

Here’s another one. You’re an attractive single mom, so you must be lonely and needy or secretly lesbian. So people, both male and female keep pressing you for sex. Or you’re super rich, so you must be incapable of doing without the comforts of life. So, when you shop at the discount store in flip flops, short of being harassed, you make the neighbourhood headlines.

I think that there’s a constant expectation that because you’re a certain gender, civil status, race…that you should sound or act a certain way. Then culture and society begin to force a personality type on you.

And therein lies the problem of not defining and therefore not recognizing this form of averseness to unique personalities within a culture. Not every effeminate man is gay. Not every attractive single mom is hungry for sex. Not every wealthy person wants to stand out in designer wear.

The Benefits of More Talk

Failure to label a condition, often means it goes unresearched, untreated. To research and label a condition, it helps when more people come out and talk about their experiences.

I think people who have trouble understanding that such unique personalities exist, should be labelled with an “ist”, “ic” or having a syndrome.

And as supermoms, I think we should start calling them out. We should talk about our experiences and start to address what the real issues are. Otherwise, it might soon become unacceptable to be beautiful, single, smart and a single parent.